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[15 Jun 2011|01:43am] |
i'd also like to note that i haven't created any sort of shoot things in months. yet i have a swanky living room, and i swear if i find the right items (which i usually do) i can triple your money from an estate sale/thrift store trip. i guess that's a different kind of creative. relationship stuff's been complex lately, i punched a hole through the wall. my car needs new shocks, and i still work at a cafe. let's see what i can do with that.
i mean...i try to stay hopeful. maybe there's just liquid in the glass and we decide what the fuck we want based on how we feel that day. and everything is just predicated on that. shit, who said we wanted the glass in the first place.
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[15 Jun 2011|01:32am] |
it's been quite some time, and i'm learning i have this long term habit of not reflecting or writing about my life til i feel like some sort of spirital shit has hit the fan. this update is no different.
i've sort of taken the past year(ish) or so to embrace my artistic side, yet again. what's different about this time is that i'm not in any sort of structured setting, so there is no class, and homework doesn't result in grades, nor is it particularly mandatory. all i know is that where there is no art school, there is fame, fortune, and the universe tossing me bones (a la paychecks and small yet epic photoshoots etc) in between. i've sort of come to realize that i create my own path this way, by seizing opportunities as i see fit, but i don't know if i'm particularly good at that anymore.
there's several things i've learned. i've learned that art, while is often viewed as a communal activity, it is also terribly isolating. i've also learned that to be an artist without a mentor-- or at least an individual who's at least as focused, or more focused than you in their respective craft that can offer you some sort of mirror to help channel some sort of reflection-- is incredibly hard.
so where does this leave me, or why the fuck am i even writing. well, as much as i've sort of done this great job of creating things (i like to call it the DIY philosophy), i'm learning the implications of all the focus i put myself through. i'm learning that it really is DO IT YOURFUCKINGSELf, and that's pretty much what it comes down to. i've somehow reached the point where i'm alienated by the world i've created, and i don't know if that's a good or bad thing. my compartamentalizing (yeah, because i'm still teaching..for free-- and just got promoted to be some sort of curriculum coordinator. i gotta use my degree somehow right?) feels like it's biting me in the ass. the convergences between art, educator, and typical dude who has big dreams but also enjoys the "simple things" all feel like foreign worlds. While i understand the paradigm i look at each compartment through, none of these paradigms or worlds seem to ever agree with each other.
sucks to want it all i guess. growing up's tough. i remember the days when family and friends would just be like, get a steady job and raise a family. funny how recessions will even destroy that "fallback plan."
whatever.
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| the roots and john legend's "the fire" is really good. |
[28 Aug 2010|02:05am] |
been a long time, friend.
life's been an interesting trip since a year ago, i'm currently writing because i think i might just be lost a little bit, while maybe found a little bit. felt like writing, i just smoked my lungs away and have a few shots of scotch in me so fuck it.
last summer was an interesting ride. i had found that one of my best friends was a potential lover. i posted all about it, though i followed it up with what appears to be riddled with denial. timing is everything. i also managed to graduate out of college, which i probably posted about too, and while i had intended to go into grad school and teach and do all of that, i took a year off and retracted my application to teach fall 09. timing is everything. i then started to connect with folks older than me, wiser than me, crasser than me, and/or more creative than me. again, timing is everything. changes happen.
my contention nowadays is that of paulo coelho's alchmist, if you want it, the universe will conspire to help you achieve it. i've always saw myself as a driven individual, one who competes to stay ahead of the curve, or at least on a different plane than the left of center-- at lest in the status quo of my surroundings. with that, it's difficult to find individuals who can match that sort of mind, body, and soul.
i was still with geraldine when i found that beatrice had feelings for me. she was a coordintor of mine at the time. they had both been interns for me in pace, but within a 5 year age bracket. one of which, i suppose i perceived as obtainable, while the other-- was not, not to mention unavailable. i had been elected head coordinator and a rough year ensued. geraldine was thankfully by my side, and beatrice my finest road dog. i found out during my final retreat that beatrice had feelings for me, i was shocked and surprised...but i tried. geraldine and i weren't doing so good, and bea and her bf in a similar boat. we tried to make things happen, but the timing was off. i think we both knew it, but it ended poorly. we broke each others heart and spirit, and went back to repair our own respective relationships.
a few months down the line my relationship hit the bottom and i left. while in the relationship, i had learned how to love whole heartedly, but my mind and spirit wanted more. with some describing my disposition towards life as "relentless", i was unable to move when someone who was so close to me would describe her life as "stuck" or in a prolonged "bind." nonetheless i continue to cherish all the good memories and the support she had given me. truly an invaluable gift.
i left with the mindset that my creative side needed to be fostered, and my hunger and ambition needed to be fed. i began being sort of a mentee of my friend bj, who was a regular at the cafe i worked at. being a self built sculptor, an old soul wish a sharp taste in art, and a spiritually and politically conscious individual, i saw a lot of what i could be in him. we remain close friends until today. he had contended that i had what it took to change the scape of the art world. while his vision created a sort of...inception (if that term is even used correctly, i'm going off a movie reference here) in my mind, the twists and turns of things would later become an interesting course of events.
i began to collectivize folks. i met kim through a mutual friend, and an attraction would ensue. we'd date for about three months, and while we had a blast picking each other's brain and working collaboratively as a stylist/photographer team, we also found much value in sharing much of our past lives with one another. in short she taught me how love spiritually. however it was my political and philisophical dedications of a past life that would transition us out of the relationship.
i probably wrote about it. i had a lot of scars after my last two years in college. between breakups, losing a parent, trying to change one of the oldest and largest historical filipino american student organizations in the nation, blitzing towards earning a BA, car crashes (yup, but i came up on a snazzy miata, which also crashed-- not my fault in any accounts!), and all sorts of other nother things, i had a lot of angst weighing me down. upon telling her various stories, the name beatrice probably resonated.
bea and i, after a heartbreaking falling out last summer, actually found ourselves reconnecting. as time would heal wounds, an organization was still left to be ran. while she did a fantastic job picking up where i left it, there were a few things that i still had to resolve so that the organization's semester could close off properly. through a business meeting, we'd reconnect and ultimately rekindle our friendship. while we both kept our distance, i found a very unique comfort in her company, and sharing space with her really reminded me how much of my life she had grown into. as if a void had been filled. i decided i'd be there for her, as if with a vendetta. pace's closing banquet, and beatrice's last night as coordinator...i decided to return. i came back hoping that i could help her heal from the scars left by being the head of the organization, and hoping that she'd be that partner in crime again.
i was scared though honestly.
and kim knew why. during our duration of dating, kim had always sensed my hesitation. while she knew i had a blast in our relationship, she knew that my heart was still with someone from my past. while she welcomed beatrice's friendship, and the repair and rebuilding of what bea and i had, kim knew that my torn feelings in the relationship (or in any relationship for that matter) would only be rectified by one thing...beatrice and i fostering our feelings for each other.
hey, like i said, i was scared. i was resistant to the idea really-- but it was probably a pride thing. it was like "oh yeah, great jeremy fails again." but i think she knew i was scared to get what i want. outside of creativity, which is like a home to me, she knew i wanted to be back in an academic space, and she knew that i wanted to be with beatrice, despite her absence from my life the past year. she broke up with me that night, even though it's hard to say we were ever officially together, probably the kindest thing anyone ever did for me.
and so i said fuck it. and i went and did it.
and so i've allowed myself to fall, and it's honestly quite inspiring. while you'll hear many cynics of love talk about how blaze (put an accent above the e in that word) the concept of romantic love is, they must not be doing it right. it just can't be forced. even we had to learn that ourselves. timing is everything. i'm very happy to have her back in my life-- i would have been happy to have her back in any capacity, but this definitely takes the cake. i should add that family has taken a different kind of importance too. i guess i can footnote that as another fear of mine. in my past relationships that was always lacking-- a relationship between myself and the other person's family. i fully intend to get to know hers.
reading what i've written so far, i honestly can't say how good this relationship has been to me, and for me. as kim told me the night she told me to be with beatrice, "you have to stop logically trying to explain things, and just let the magic happen." being with beatrice is a magical experience. while my flaws may be recognized, she makes me feel invincible.
anyways, in the meanwhile, bj and another older mentor, who i somehow forgot to mention before, ernesto, began showing me the ropes of things. they're both at least more than half a decade older than i am, so i always find it engaging to hear their old battle stories. each with their own sets of triumphs, failures, and struggles. the underlying themes seem to be similar, to get what you want, because it's out there for you to be had. BUT, you have to be intelligent about your decisions in life, you have to streamline, and you have to pay your dues. i feel like those lessons have been the most potent lessons i've learned. not to mention the most empowering. it teaches me how to create, how to be like we were intended-- to be like the children of god, to be creators.
my car is a material symbol of this. from destruction, comes reconstruction. bigger, stronger, faster. always with a sense of urgency, but enjoying and being inspired by the challenges that come. oh yeah, i'm rebuilding a miata with parts of a miata that henry sold me. vintage meets modern style. i always wanted a vintage roadster too.
all for now, it's late. gotta live. i'll get into the actually goals next time. but yeah, that's where my head's at. everything is everything. cars, mentors, girls, goals. next time i'll talk more about goals. i'm still wrapping my head around the ideas my head is trying to wrap itself around. but i'll let you know. but as a preview, i've done a good share of freelance photography, i've been doing a lot of reading, i've returned to sfsu as a pep teacher, which i stepped back from last year, and i'm trying to meld the concepts i've learned in ethnic studies and community uplift with creativity and the development of the spirit. i'm highly underqualified, but best believe i'm going to learn to the degree of overkill in the next year. holla.
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[15 Jul 2010|12:35am] |
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i often wonder about destiny. i wonder, amidst all the things that happen to me, the people who i come across, the people who i part ways with, the skill set i have--the potentials. i wonder what this is all amounting to. while i'm really drained, i'm thankful. could be worse-- i see worse.
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| back on the shit. |
[16 Aug 2009|09:07pm] |
the summer's battle is with bitterness. i look to compare where i was mentally and emotionally before and after my final school year, only to find my mentality lacking hope and haunted by demons. i've sort of taken a hiatus from the path that i had set before me, taking the road less traveled i guess we can say.
i think in my senior year, i had gotten lost. whether it was the pressure to finish school, pressure to lead PACE into a successful 41st year, pressure to have some sort of impressive gameplan to match the "legacy" (don't trip i'm not getting all masterbatory, this was ray's word) i've left behind, pressure to make dreams happen, pressure to have a successful and long standing relationship with the woman i love, pressure to maintain friendships both at homebase, and those i've acquired along the way. the list goes on and on, and i got more and more lost in the shuffle, the routine, the politics. it turned loves and passions in to deceptive mirrors that ultimately left me feeling bitter, inadequate, and most of all, out of control.
the last one is probably what prompted my actions. i've come to understand that i rarely am okay without a certain sense of control over a situation. even when i'm being spontaneous, i am often being spontaneous because going against the current plan-- a plan i probably didn't feel like i had too much control over. but that's not to say that i'm some sort of control freak, because i'm not. but at some point to just come to a realization that you're no longer living for yourself, you're living for others...and while that sometimes is a commendable thing, when you lose sense of yourself in the process, it's time to start uprooting shit.
which is exactly what happened, and uprooting is exactly what i did. but i'll tell you more about that when i have more of a grasp towards it.
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[07 Jul 2009|01:57am] |
...trying to make things right. slowly. but hopefully surely.
blogs make a mess of things. its too hard to be responsible and continuous with this sort of thing.
i quit.
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[25 Jun 2009|02:52pm] |
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...trying to make things right. slowly. but hopefully surely.
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| Hi Dad. I miss you, sorry I didn't visit today.... |
[22 Jun 2009|02:46am] |
...I've been struggling, but you know that. I hope you are well. Listen to this song with me. Rest well.
Love,
Jeremy
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When the fighters are all around
All the lovers are underground
No one will save you anymore
So what's happening, what you rapping about, little boy?
Is it cars? Is it girls? Is it money?
The world?
Or is it something they can never believe?
Or is it something you can never achieve?
Is it
Beyond your means?
Is it
Inside your dreams?
Can it
Never come out cause it's scared to
Unprepared to
Too worried about the words of the people it's weird to
You don't want them to hear you
You just wish there was a door that would appear that you can go disappear through
Well I'm feeling your pain
I was feeling the same
But I said I'd never feel that again
Man
I really miss my pops
Hope that God watches over him and that he's on top
That there is no more disease and that he's alright
That he's one of the generals inside the army of the light
And grandma, you know I had to bite something from you
So after every show it's "peace, and much love to you"
Auntie Tweetie's on the way, please look out for that girl
I know we'll meet again, so it's never me against the world....
Lupe Fiasco, Fighters
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[19 Jun 2009|02:14am] |
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....but i'm finally being patient with my life.
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| timing is everything... |
[17 Jun 2009|04:45am] |
isn't it? definitely a trip how things unfold. what you realize is and isn't for you. the opportunities that reveal themselves to you, and the opportunities i've allowed to fleet away. sometimes i wonder if my defiance of whatever i/we have pipelined myself to is a sign of my artistic's side desperation to get the fuck out of something that really isn't for me, or if i'm just plain stupid.
maybe i've just been scared of letting people down.
or, maybe i'm just scared of what i can really do...because god damnit, i'm probably a really powerful human being. besides, it's probably my insistence to go against the grain that makes me interesting anyways. i dunno.
at the same time, maybe i'm just fronting because i see everything slipping away.
fresh starts always did hurt. aren't newborn/reborns overwhelmed by the sights and sounds when they're birthed?
be still my broken heart. you did this to yourself, and you know why. be honest, it's easier that way.
for everything else, like everything else, time will tell.
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If you wanna get it right
You can own what you choose
But you wanna live a lie
And love what you lose
It's a shoreline
And it's half speed
It's a cruel world and
It's time
While you're walking away
And I'm trying to get through
But you've gotta know their lies
From the lies they've told you
If you try to do it up
It all will leave you
If you try to steal the beat
The beat will steal you
It's coming
It's coming in hard
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| October 4 |
[16 Jun 2009|02:07pm] |
I am curious as to how accurate this is for me...I can see how it can be true, but yeah...
October 4 Birthday Astrology
by Jill M. Phillips
Although Libra rebels are rare, October 4 Libras fall into this category. In the tradition of their sign, they are well-bred and polite rebels. At times they can even get away with shocking behavior because they possess a likable personality and exquisite manners. October 4 people have respect for tradition, yet they enjoy deflating pomposity.
Libra Information
for October 4
You should embrace: Passion, respectability, good advice
You should avoid: Trends, scattering energy, gossip
Friends and Lovers
People born on this date draw a thin line between friends and lovers. October 4 people are among the most romantic on Earth. They will follow a lover halfway around the world to maintain the relationship. Although they have a strong personality, they will defer to their partner in order to strengthen their union.
Children and Family
People born on this date often show the same rebellious tendencies toward their family as they do the rest of the world. October 4 people are often, by necessity, absent parents, but that doesn't keep them from being good ones. They are sincere about making a positive impact upon the lives of their little ones.
Health
People born on this date have a great deal of nervous energy, which they can work off in an exercise program. The ability to master their physical environment makes them feel spiritually and emotionally powerful. October 4 people are often attracted to radical diets.
Career and Finances
People born on this date have tremendous social awareness and may become engrossed in careers that bring them close to the underprivileged. Money is important to them only because it can sustain them in a reasonably comfortable lifestyle and give their family members a good life.
Dreams and Goals
People born on this date are eager to make a difference in the world. Although their politics may seem extreme, they are sincere in all they do. October 4 people believe that they can change the world.
http://entertainment.howstuffworks.com/october-4-birthday-astrology.htm
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| and i miss you... |
[15 Jun 2009|11:14pm] |
...like the desert missed the rain.
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i often seek the consolation of music during hard times. but this time, i can't find songs that could potentially about my struggle. instead, i feel like i find songs that the other person would want to sing TO me.
i'll probably release some sort of summer heartbreak compilation in the next while. for now this comes to you from my ipod touch, as i remain sheltered under the safety of my bedsheets with my headphones on.
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| Vitriol as explained by Paulo Coelho as Dr Igor |
[12 Jun 2009|02:00am] |
Certain people, in their eagerness to construct a world no external threat can penetrate, build exaggeratedly high defenses against the outside world, against new people, new places, different experiences, and leave their inner world stripped bare. It is there that bitterness begins its irrevocable work.
The will was the main target of bitterness (or Vitriol, as Dr Igor preferred to call it). The people attacked by this malaise began to lose all desire, and within a few years, they became unable to leave their world, where they had spent enormous reserves of energy constructing high walls in order to make reality what they wanted it to be.
In order to avoid external attack, they had also deliberately limited internal growth. They continued going to work, watching television, having children, complaining abut the traffic, but these things happened automatically, unaccompanied by any particular emotion, because after all, everything was under control.
The great problem with poisoning by bitterness was that the passions--hatred, love, despair, enthusiasm, curiosity--also ceased to manifest themselves. After a while the embittered person felt no desire at all. He or she lacked the will either to live or to die, that was the problem.
Paulo Coelho, Veronika Decides to Die (pg 90-91)
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fuckin love summer reading! prolly gonna read the alchemist and warrior of the light again too. i am highly fascinated by this book tho...
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[11 Jun 2009|03:19am] |
as folks read my entries, or tell them about my story and all this shit. regardless of how you respond. i want to go ahead and highlight one very important detail and notion that i have.
i, particularly (especially particularly) in my current situation, am a dumbass. as honest as i've been, that doesn't negate my stupidity, nor my douchebag nature, and selfish tendencies. i'm learning, and while people are learning from my entries, let's not forget who's who, and that i'm the bad guy.
i don't want to seem meladramatic, but real talk...i ask myself "what do i deserve after all this?"
and i don't know if there's too many people trying to ask that question themselves. so please, fuck my life, for real.
i can go on and on about how the luck was bad, or i was confused. i can go on about how it was fated, and besides, year of the oxes are supposed to have a bad year anyways.
but real talk, i'm smarter than most people my age (see, i'm arrogant too), and really, i should have known much much better than to get caught up in my emotions.
for me, lessons learned from this are besides the point. i'm really just trying to take accountability for my moments of imbecility.
thank you, and good night.
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[11 Jun 2009|02:17am] |
Dan: Everybody wants to be happy.
Larry: Depressives don't. They want to be unhappy to confirm they're depressed. If they were happy they couldn't be depressed anymore. They'd have to go out into the world and live. Which can be depressing.
Dan (Jude Law) and Larry (Clive Owen) in Closer.
what a fuckin' intense film.
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there is something very true about me that i hate hearing-- i am insatiable; i am never satisfied.
interesting conversations tonight with jared at dinner. grubbing on tobiko and quail eggs, i find it interesting that we would be eating on delicacies that comprised of fish eggs topped with a quail egg. we were discussing the creative process when intermingled with standardization and management, while also discussing the idea of "sowing wild oates," which inadvertently turned into a question of happiness and what that ultimately means.
i've made the assertion/differentation many times before. some seek happiness, while others seek peace. quick fact before we move forward, we have absolutely no idea why we're on this planet, yet we yearn to be better people.
jared contends a very respectable argument that happiness ultimately equates to contentment with what you have around you. however, i beg to differ. my assertion is that happiness does not equate to being content, this is simply because in my opinion, happiness is not an end result, but rather a process. happiness is not an easy process, nor is it for the faint of heart. it requires work and it requires refinement. it also requires the drive to continue moving forward. the joy and positivity will come, but only through various (often self imposed) obstacles that eventually lead to some sort of elation. particularly with those who think with the right side of their brains, these individuals will often argue that they are the happiest when they are engaged in a process in a craft of which they seek perfection.
however, there is a strong value in seeking peace--particularly, peace of mind. this is where the idea of content comes in. as growing souls on this planet, soaking up experiences like sponges, the fact of the matter is...the quest towards happiness, and involved emotions such as love, yields a rocky road that tests the strength of ones heart, and the depths of one's character. not to mention the trials and tribulations placed upon the curious mind which is more often than not, connected to the heart strings. quite frankly, the journey towards happiness can be incredibly noisey. as individuals elate themselves, they will find windows of opportunity continue to open to new roads. sorting out the obstacles, as well as the potential end result of these roads can alter one's future, hence the difficulty in processing the pressure of making such decisions.
in seeking peace of mind, we seek contentment--we seek for the noise to stop, and the troubles to end. but we must realize that with the absence of pain, is the absence of love, and with the absence of love, comes the absence of growth. seek peace if you will, but at our age...will you live a life fulfilled? your days will blend together, and life, will lack meaning--which by the way, you define for yourself. and that's fine...if you're 60 years old. but if you're young...maybe things are worth exploring. maybe it's more than just "wild oates."
i remember way back when i had a conversation with andrew on why we choose to live life a certain way. we would often have domineering/condescending perspectives towards young folks (like us) who choose to live the fast life--often engaging in fast cars, fast money, and fast women. our argument was, "we don't do that shit because we know what the outcome is going to be..."
but at this point, i often forget, that perhaps it isn't the outcome, but it's instead the process. in sowing the wild oates, perhaps we gain experiences...and experiences are what count--not the outcome per se. outcomes give us lessons in what did or didn't work. however, experiences tell us something about ourselves, whether it's opening doors to more opportunity, learning about our deepest virtues, our deepest demons, or curbing destructive curiosity.
when that isn't allowed to happen...maybe that's how you end up like me--a person's who's id (yeah the fruedian structural model "id") fucks with him on a daily basis. how destructive is that? well, as suggested in the last few posts...i have two people in my life, of whom i care for dearly (some may even say i love them dearly), hurting deeply, all because i'm unable to sort out my emotions and ultimately bring myself to a direction towards my idea of happiness. i can foresee losing them both and the love that they bring into my world. i can only imagine the pain i cause in this post college crisis. i foresee what i fear. i fear a spiritual death. not in myself, but in two of some of the most utterly sweetest individuals i have been blessed with sharing friendships with.
it might sound meladramatic, but shit hurts, and no one walks away from that without scars.
i would know, i was in their position once, and look what that's done to me.
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| i have anmesia. |
[09 Jun 2009|04:04pm] |
contrary to my last entry, life has unfolded and my heart tells me i'm not quite ready for fresh starts. forgotten things are beginning to be remembered, and past joys and pains scream for attention. i've forgotten how to think for myself, to remember to know exactly what i want, and while all of my current feelings have been nothing but sincere, feelings alone may not answer the questions needed. i need time, intellect, dialogue, and support. only then...
you can take the dive. but if you're unaware of how heavy the weight is on your back, you could very well sink.
...and take everyone and everything down with you.
as matt tells me "be kind."
my kind friends, learn from my mistakes and please continue to be kind.
for me, livejournal will continue to be my best summer friend.
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| are you in (pursuit of happyiness) |
[08 Jun 2009|02:05am] |
we drove back from our little excursion to "are you in?" by incubus.
when i hang out with all my homies from home, like the ssf/dc folks, the one thing that we will probably talk about 2 out of 5 gatherings, is what we USED to be like-- often times, i become the butt of jokes. which is fine, and totally welcome. why? because i was a dweeb, and a loser, for that matter. but then came a slew of unfortunately events. first starting with the devastation that came with the incapacitation of my father, my friends betraying me on multiple occassions (different groups, not just one), and a slew of romantic heartbreaks. "down but not out" is the saying, i guess. i found myself "on the self improvement tip".
i acted quickly, i revamped my philosophy towards life and carved out the meaning of it. the meaning of my life is to serve the people, but to also balance that in such a manner that allows me to enjoy the good that god provides the earth with.
i stopped blaming other things for my shortcomings, but quickly understood what it was about my surroundings that affected my life and the choices i made. most importantly, i urged myself to shed fear. that's not to say that i'm fearless, but as ed described me on my birthday--which is by far the most cherished one word descriptor anyone has ever given me-- i became "relentless." relentless in my persuit of happyiness[sic] that is.
i became very bold with my ideas articulated with a conviction that either ousted the opposition, or persuaded the naysayers. when i said i would do something, best believe it would be done. my favorite one was talking to jerome at manor grill on a slow sunday afternoon: "hey jerome...so seems like things in pace are going good...watch, two years i'm gonna be head coordinator". lol guess what happened two years later? but that's not to say that i'm power hungry. in this particular example i wanted to be involved in the leadership of pace because i had a vision for this community, and though it changed during my time with the organization, i knew there was room for it. during my time with the org, i definitely saw how i impacted the lives of people while also experiencing how their lives impacted me.
i also became very serious about my academics. while some may have seen me as the annoying mutha fucka who can't keep his mouth shut, i did my best to pull not only the best grades, but to actually forge relationships with my professors. if there's anything in this world i've learned to understand, its that what you know, and how good you are is only half the battle. without a solid network, you'll be going no where.
but okay, this is all really great. reading this over before i jump into my next segment, this is all really great. i like to think i have/had my shit together, but this is the post in my blog that is the memoir of a head coordinator that is also a college student struggling to keep his personal life, and his campus life from falling into shambles. to keep it solid, ill go ahead and say-- senior year and head coordinatorship fucked with me. it fucked with me harder than anything ever has.
we have to understand that while i can be incredibly hedonistic, they key to my happiness is understanding that my life has relevance in the circles i associate myself with, and that my life has relevance in the grander scheme of the world. what does that mean? it means i aim to make the world a better place. as romanticized as it sounds, i aim to change the worlds of my friends and family by almost any means necessary. the tools of the trade given to me is intellect, creativity, and ultimately, the realization that during my time here on earth, i should not ever be limited by what i do or don't know, or what i can or can't do. the only things that will ever limit me is my willingness to learn (that...and my ability to stay awake). when the voice in your head thinks this way, the possibilities seem endless.
however, student organizing brought on a different kind of challenge. the voices in the head seem to multiply, each one echoing interests other than my own. this is to be expected in leadership positions-- you serve the people, so your purpose becomes about the people. maybe its the organization i was serving, the nature of my constituents, or the nature of my own organizing-- but organizing for pace at sfsu, i can say, was imbalanced. while the dedication demanded of me yielded amazing results from myself and my fellow constituents, it never really left me with much time to reflect on the things i was doing. we'll come back to this later.
in addition, relationships were also hindered. not only can being a coordinator be a little bit lonely (particularly when you're the head coordinator, which i will go ahead and say, "IS SOME SHIT"), forging relationships (particularly romantic ones) becomes incredibly challenging. in college two out of my three significants were unable to hang with the pressure i put on myself (and inadvertently them) to grow in ways fit to allow me to achieve what i wanted to achieve. i was accelerating myself in such a way that they were unable to keep up. this led to the demise of my relationships, often succumbing to miscommunications and frustrated feelings of neglect.
by the time my third relationship came around, things were a little more balanced in the sense that i was with someone who was arguably just as busy as i was. that attracted me to her, where her lifestyle that was riddled with responsibility and rigidity spoke on a sense of discipline and integrity in her. however, as we both lived such fast paced lives, we struggled to keep each other up to date and on the same page, particularly near the end. also the rigidity that we both had made it very difficult to slow down and enjoy life. well...it's not that we weren't able to enjoy, but it was really hard to enjoy together.
i want to go ahead and wrap this part up, even though it does seem like a cliffhanger, even from my perspective. look, i just want to say, my life up until this point, is incredibly driven. my goals tend to seek happiness in the realm of creativity, education, justice and love. i understand the first three, but the last one continues to blow my mind.
let's continue, sorta.
my most recent, official, relationship ended yesterday. the initial and most important grounds was the idea that we were in different places at this time in our lives. for once, i have no hard feelings after this and i whole heartedly continue to think that she deserves nothing but the best as i do think that she is one of the most beautiful and kind hearted people i've evet met. however, there is a disconnect present that hasn't made it possible for me to rekindle the feelings i had in the past. it's not necessarily that i feel out of love, but the love isn't the same.
during my final retreat however, a particular secret came to surface. this is one of those secrets you keep stored away, probably because it enrages so many demons of insecurity that you raise the white flag. before i give a current account, i want to quickly refer back to the the beginning of this reflection-- yeah, the part when i was calling myself a dweeb and a loser. there's a sort of internalization that comes with this kind of history. while i continue to attempt to make life as limitless as possible, the one thing that i know i'll always feel limited in, is feeling like i'm good enough, attractive enough even, in the realm of love and romance. let's precurse the story with that (no pun intended--knock on wood actually, as i currently happen to particularly adore the sweet part of this bittersweet story, no curses needed please).
anyways. let's catch live journal up. we can't have a pursuit of happyiness post without talking about relationships. if it's any question to you about my last set of topics, i'm a college graduate who majored in asian american studies, hopes to teach at some point, and also used to be a campus organizer, yet still intends on continuing his work with the organization. i hope this clears things up, i realize i ended the last section quite abruptly.
okay, anyways, for real this time. in my life i have come to understand that there are women that i am going to hit it off with, but due to my own self insecurities, i know never to pursue them, until now that is. long story short, one of the women serving on my core in pace is a dear friend of mine for at least the past year and half now. we've always been accused and teased of having this chemistry for each other, and attraction or positive tension between us. i never listened though, particularly because i thought it was true, but i didn't want to believe it. the words "out of my league" came into play, and the played accordingly. that, and the timing is always poor as we have current relationships that we would be trying to attend to. anyways, i took those feelings and buried them somewhere deep in my heart where only she, if ever, could retrieve them.
these feelings basically maintain their secrecy for quite some time. despite our close friendship, good working relationship, and undying trust for one another, these feelings stay where i felt like they needed to belong.
but okay, moving on. i'll spare you the details, the one thing i (and specifically i, apparently people saw this coming?) never thought she'd do, is retrieve these feelings. i'll repeat, i'm going to spare you the details. but by some strange phenomenon in my universe, it turns out these feelings are freakin mutually shared (i actually haven't gotten over the concept of this happening, it's been almost a week now, and i'm still trippin out over and under the situation.).
here comes by my attempt in making this journal entry go full circle...i don't fare well with fear, i like to actually think i don't have much of it. many of my dear friends like to verbally tell me at theme parks, how my philosophy towards riding rollercoasters is reflective towards my attitude towards life. put it this way...when i'm on a roller coaster, i'm the least likely the hang on, and if i'm not in a seat and in a harnass, you'll probably find me leaning towards the ground. i suppose it's my big smiling fuck you to the idea of fear.
can't say that for love though.
i guess what scares me is that...well, i've never really been placed in a situation where feelings arose out of a friendship, much less a friendship that had been blossoming for such a long period of time. we've both sort of said, it's too good to be true-- which is probably bullshit, as i definitely understand that we'll definitely have our own share of problems, and our longevity will be based on our strategy and willingness to face them. but to calm the fears, just like those rides on those rollercoasters in "real life", i want to to say that we'll be able to face that shit head-on as well.
maybe the other fear too is the idea that maybe the friendship wont' be a worthy sacrifice for us to "try" something. this might be the most stifling fear, but in response, my heart tells me that we will get what we put into it. and that leaves me hopeful. we've worked together in the past, and we've worked through our own set of hard times as colleagues. seeing as we were far from killing each other (and i would go as far to say that she was one of the most supportive people i have ever met) i am very much comforted.
we'll get kinda giddy, really. it's so cute it's almost retarded. this i suppose...brings me to my last fear-- the romance.
i can be incredibly romantic. i must have half the heart of a hopeless romantic, which is balanced by its other half, the cynical and sarcastic realist. i suppose it's safe to say that many become quite attached to the romantic side. as it can be very vocal, the sarcastic and cynical side may be drowned out for a little bit. but when the tables turn a little, and the romantic is quieted for a length of time, it often leaves those i'm involved with wondering what happened. but i guess what calms me down, is when i say "look...you have to understand though, i'm not going to be romantic all the time. my romantic side tends to go on hiatus, and the girl i'm with tends to hate it..." she responds with, "but that's okay, because unlike them, i like you because of who you were before i even knew about your romantic side."
sigh. i guess at this point i want to say all the classic cliche's, about how this makes me feel and elates my state of mind. i'll have to spare that as well. i don't know what's going to happen, but i'll be quite brief--i'm taking the dive. bahala na. something tells me this will be worth it.
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| she sang... |
[06 Jun 2009|04:05am] |
after laughter...comes tears...
------
i said,
after tears, comes laughter.
it's going to be okay.
but a few changes must be made.
i have trouble articulating things these days. you wanna ask me to be real about it? i'm fuckin scared, amazed, confused, overjoyed, and relieved all at the same time.
yes, i'm graduated and denaugerated. denaugerated is not a word.
i read this thing once in paulo coelho's "the valkyries" that if you keep your eyes to the horizon it will allow your soul to open up and widen your perspectives, ultimately opening you up to better listen to your guardian angel(s).
life is a perpetual transition, always one thing to the next thing-- progession. i'm definitely feelin it. i've been estranged from the final chapter in a volume of my life. all things tell me it's time to move on to the next segment of my journeys.
although i didn't always treat it as such, college life has been a blessing. it has not only been integral to my growth as an individual, but has also introduced me to be involved, and catapulted my social life into something beautiful.
hands down my work with pace has had a profound impact on me. not only have i been given the opportunity to rise to the occassion, but it's also been the gateway to a network of wonderful individuals, who respectively, will be leading the world in its next set of "big things". i want to give a shout out to that one person on my core who seemed to care about my perseverance moreso anyone than anyone else and insisted that i stay on board in during times of eminent collapse--as i told you before, thank you. i'm blessed to have you in my life. reflecting on it this past retreat, it's been quite the journey, and like she can attest to, i've had the opportunity to grow with many individuals--and with others, we've even been given the chance to potentially blossom.
college life has also reshaped the paradigm i see my world through. looking back on it now, i can honestly say that despite the fact that my college life has sometimes brought me at odds with my family, alienated my from some of my friends, as well as wreaked havoc on my personal relationships, it has also helped show me the way.
write more later, i'm sleepy. life is hard to write about when you're too busy living it.
peace loves.
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[11 May 2009|01:40am] |
i have come to realize today that my buddy icon, is a foot pressing down on a gas pedal. i never really realized the symbolism of the photograph.
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in the beginning of mine, allyson--professor, mentor and, dear friend of mine, said about her motherhood "it's really difficult when you're doing such an intensive task...to reflect on it at the same time."
true that.
the past three years of my life have been a blur, a roller coaster even. i can totally identify with the idea that people cherish moments of calamity, as they often feel it had taught them something in life. my post realization (marked by my dropping out of art school) college experience came full circle yesterday.
enter pace, standing for the pilipino american collegiate endeavor, it was established in 1967 as one of the first filipino student organizations that concurrently served a demographic of filipinos both on and off sfsu's campus. upon my entrance, the org seemed to enjoy my "i dun giva fuck" attitude and a sharp critical mindset (both were masks for insecurities, i'm sure). some even said i was the future of the organization. i can't really front, because two years later i climbed the ranks to be head coordinator. which, from the beginning, was something i had already planned on doing.
prior to that, i was an intern, and a semester later i ran for the position of cultural coordinator. a morning or two after pcn, my father passed away as my family and i decided that it was time to let him go. despite the hard time, i still went on to debate that night. my family understood. this would continue to catapult my journey within the organization. i can't say i didn't flourish. the organization gave me a lot actually...from networking to work ethic. an insane work ethic, mind you. i sometimes think the work ethic i have come to have is a form of escapism, but maybe we can talk about that later.
anyways, two years later i finally got here. and i can't say i really enjoyed it for most of its duration. while many will consider my work ethic almost uncanny, i am also an artist, which stereotypically implies i'm all over the place. i found it hard to keep myself disciplined and straight arrowed for the sake of the comfort of others--nor why i strong enough to go against that grain. unfortunately this allowed critics and naysayers to flood my mind, altering the way i organize--the way many before me trusted so much in the past. but perhaps, another reason why i felt like i lost my voice was due to my situation-- i was graduating too.
yuup. just a year away from having my degree. in my opinion this was the worst thing that happened to my organizing career. it, quite frankly, just takes up too much time and attention. i'll leave it at that. i still get good grades, though. i suppose the point behind all of this is that it has taken me away from my love for organizing and teaching.
this past year, we had a pcn that some may consider the product of my leadership this year--a process that is plagued with financial burdens and logistics that had many people's eyebrows raised.
i'm not going to finish tonight.
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jusdopaliscious's journal